Is it Okay to Leave My Baby for a Weekend?

My baby is 9 weeks old and I have a high-school reunion in another state. Can I leave the baby and for how long?

MOLLY: This question was submitted a reader based in New Jersey but I had a similar dilemma myself.

Dr. Susan Rutherford (Molly’s Mom): Well, I would have to say that, generally speaking, you shouldn’t leave the baby before the child is two years old.

MOLLY: Really, ever? Not even for a weekend?

DR. RUTHERFORD: Are you talking about before the baby is two?

MOLLY: Yeah

DR. RUTHERFORD: If you can work around it, don’t leave the child. If you know you are going to have to leave the child to go somewhere else, sometimes it’s better to do this earlier rather than later because when they hit the 7th or 8th month of age, they’re beginning the acute stage of separation anxiety from the mother. It’s a very important time for a child because you can end up with long term issues much later on from the disruption in the bonding.

MOLLY: What are some of the things that could happen?

DR. RUTHERFORD: Well, the child might have issues about whether he or she can trust their caretaker or spouse when they’re older.

MOLLY: You mean the baby could grow up and not trust their caretaker if the parents leave for an extended period of time.

DR. RUTHERFORD: Let me start with the other end of it. The way the issue gets resolved for kids is that they see that their mother comes and goes. She might go away, but she always comes back. And you say to the kid, no matter what the age, even if you think they’re too young to understand you, “Mommy always comes back when she goes away.” It’s like a mantra.
So they get used to that concept of people coming and going without them, but it’s a very gradual process and for some children it’s much more intense than for other children.

MOLLY: So let’s say you end up leaving your little kid while you go on a vacation with your husband, or something like that. What might you see as a result as the kid grows older. What behaviors might you see that would result from this early separation?

DR. RUTHERFORD: I think you might see signs of anxiety and not completely trusting the grown-ups in charge.

MOLLY: Would this be in their teenage years?

DR. RUTHERFORD: You would see it even earlier. Early. Not long after the event occurred.

MOLLY: So in general, you shouldn’t leave the baby for a vacation?

DR. RUTHERFORD: In general, unless it’s an emergency, I would suggest you not go. If you are going to go, a weekend is the most, and obviously you need to have a very good caretaker for your baby. The reason why I say it’s better earlier than later, like around 8 months, is because they haven’t differentiated between the mother and anybody else in a highly significant way. They probably do differentiate between the mother by her smell but it is not as intense at that time the way it will be for a 10-month old.

MOLLY: What if you have to go away, and you have their favorite sitter or grandparent to watch them?

DR. RUTHERFORD: Well that’s the best of scenarios, but if you do it, you should plan to be around a lot afterward.

MOLLY: Because there will be some fall-out?

DR. RUTHERFORD: Oh yeah, there will be a lot of fall-out. What I would suggest is that you might leave each child a little gift for the sitter to give her, one a day, while you’re gone.

MOLLY: Okay, that’s a good idea. When do you think it’s an okay age to do this?

DR. RUTHERFORD: After two. And be aware, you are going to have to deal with it when you get home, and children do various things. I’ve never had this experience but I’ve heard about it a lot, where the parents will come home from time away and the kids will totally ignore them, won’t look at them. All I can say is: prepared to be around more to deal with the fall-out.

 

ding 6 comments on “Is it Okay to Leave My Baby for a Weekend?

  1. I am running a daycare and a client of mine, of whom I’ve grown very fond and close, has asked me if I would be willing to watch her kids while she and her husband go on vacation for four or five days. Her children are two and six. The six year old still cries when her Mom goes out on a date with Dad. I don’t feel the kids are emotionally ready and I’m not sure how to approach this with the Mom.

  2. I’ve been taking care of my now 3 yo grandson since he was 5 weeks old when his mom went into a mental hospital w a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. So the baby has been in my care more than half his life for extended periods of time but was court ordered to spend time w his mom. Even as a small baby he would cry when he realized he was going to his mothers. There was nothing I could do about this. This is my sons child, he also has 2 older children that would come and go w the baby. Our son had to seperated from his wife more than once because of abusive behavior . My concern is the three year olds behaviours. Lots of anger , he witnessed his mothers verbal abuse , maybe some physical abuse towards his father. Lots of yelling by his mother. He is very sensitive to the slightest accidental touch and will yell at me or whomever . And say he hates you or your stupid or he hates this house. I’m very gentle w him and always speak quietly to him or he’ll tell me not to yell at him. His father and I have spent a lot of time with him and the other two children but I wonder who this baby trusts and did he bond w anyone?

    • Emily – It sounds like a rather complicated situation with lots of problems. I think it’s beyond the scope of our blog and needs lots of individual attention. I would strongly recommend you seek help from a child psychologist or social worker to help you work this out.

  3. I just had to weigh in and say KUDOS to Dr. Rutherford. It is rare that I find another parenting expert who actually understands the complex and delicate relationship between parent and child. Separation is a process-not an event-and as the Dr. states, it is a slow process. Slower for some than others. I know so many parents who left their young child and came back to all sorts of “fallout”. I learned this first hand when I was a teen, still living at home, and my older brother and his wife left their 9 month old and 4 year old with my mom (the grandma). When they returned after 10 (!) days, the baby would not go to her mother. She cried and fussed for almost a day until she re-remembered her and my 4 year old nephew literally stuck out his tongue at his parents and ran from them. My sister-in-law was heartbroken and even before I knew what my career would be, I understood that the children’s reactions were telling the adults something very important.
    For this mother, if she feels this reunion is something she does not want to miss I recommend that she ask a parent or friend to accompany her so that person can watch the baby at the hotel or better yet, such a young baby can be “worn” at the reunion party. I can’t think of a better accessory than your own child.

    • Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. It’s interesting to me how this experience led you to your career choice; I think this happens to a lot of us. Ten days is so long for children – traumatic for all of you. Separation is definitely a process.
      Good to hear from you!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

*